It feels like a drop in the ocean, but ...

... one day I made a bargain with my inner child, Ingenua. She didn't see the point of doing ... well ... anything. It wasn't fun any more, and there were too many scary thoughts going around. So I said, "How about, for every little thing we do that is good for me, we'll give five cents to charity:water? How does that sound?"

And she smiled.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So much to write ...

... where to start?

First things first, I guess ... today's list:
Got up before midday: 5c
Made bed: 5c
Got dressed: 5c
Had a substantial breakfast: 5c
Made a plan for today: 5c
Put my breakfast bowl in the dishwasher: 5c
Put the washing on: 5c
De-cluttered the bathroom vanity countertop a bit: 5c
Brushed my teeth! 5c
Washed my face: 5c
Did some reading for study: 5c
Hung up the washing: 5c
Washed the dishes: 5c
Ate a proper lunch: 5c (My sister April prepared it.)
Washed lunch items: 5c
Did some writing for study: 5c
Swished the toilet: 5c
Took the rubbish and the recycling out (with April): 5c
Went for a walk: 5c
Wrote messages to friends: 5c
Made dinner, with April: 5c
Washed stuff after cooking dinner: 5c
Ate a substantial dinner: 5c
Put dishes in the dishwasher: 5c
Currently writing my blog: 5c

Total for today so far: $1.25 ... I don't know how it got that high, but hopefully I can keep it up :)

The story of today actually starts yesterday.  I was rather stressed the night before last, and ended up getting out of bed at about 4am intending to write something, but getting stuck on the computer.  Another part of the stress was the fact that Smith's brother was going to drive us to Melbourne yesterday for their grandmother's funeral - and I don't actually feel safe with Smith's brother at the wheel.  I'd also had to cancel a date with a friend, which I'd been looking forward to, only to find out afterwards that I didn't need to cancel it after all.  And I'd finally found a present that I had intended to give to Tie - Smith's brother's wife - for her baby shower, which I'd attended three days before.

I couldn't actually have articulated any of those stresses yesterday, but after I finally went back to bed (half an hour before the alarm) and sleepwalked my way through half the morning, I was feeling quite weighed down.  There are times when I can only say to Smith "I don'wanna..." and he has to ask me "Don'wanna what?" - to which I generally have no reply.  Yesterday was one of those times ... He offered me the choice of not going to Melbourne with them, but that didn't seem right to me.  What didn't I want to do?  I didn't even know.

And then I had a phone call from my psychiatrist's office, reminding me of my next appointment - tomorrow - which I would not have been able to make, if I'd gone to Melbourne.  That was that, really.  I conceded defeat and went back to sleep.  Smith looked in on me to say goodbye, before he left, but I could hardly wake up to farewell him properly. 

I slept for the rest of the morning and the afternoon, only to wake and find that Smith had forgotten to take the present for his brother as well.  My sister prompted me to have lunch, but I could only eat half of what I served myself.  I spent the evening on the computer, searching the Internet for something - I wasn't quite sure what it was.  I think April had dinner at some point, but I didn't.

Before she went to sleep, April decided that today needed to be different.  We needed a routine, to get things done and tidy up the house.  She had a large amount of work to do today, and she could see my lack of motivation in getting my own things done.  So we agreed that today we would wake up before 10am, make a routine and a plan for the day, and remember to eat three meals at appropriate times.  She also told me to have dinner - which I hadn't - but I didn't have the energy to prepare anything, even though there was plenty of food I could have reheated.  I managed a shower, then got stuck on the computer again.  Finally, at 2am, I found what I was looking for, set my alarm, and went back to bed.

So, today was different.  While I didn't manage to get up before 10am, I did find it easier to get going, especially once we had mapped out the plan for the day.  I can hardly believe that I've done 25 things so far, with a few more planned before I go to bed.  I even brushed my teeth!  We'll see if we can continue with the routine, I guess...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The daily grind: Starting again

It's been a while since my last post.  I had a string of bad days ... Well, good and bad things happened, but I didn't write anything down.  I guess that's one of the problems with depression - it makes you unreliable about regular things.  Like habits, as well, I suppose.  But today was definitely a good day.

Here's the list:
Rising before midday: 5c.  I had an alarm clock to help me.
Getting dressed to shoes: 5c.
Leaving the house: 5c.  By myself!  Smith wasn't feeling well, so he went back to bed.
Completing at least one planned task: 5c.
Staying focussed at least once: 5c.  I successfully avoided a distraction by deferring it until later.  And then I remembered to do it.
Eating lunch: 5c.
Studying: 5c.  More on that later, I guess...
Preparing dinner: 5c.
Lifting my own mood: 5c.  I blabbed to Smith for a bit about my study, just to talk to him, and it made me happy.  And then he was able to help me.
Cleaning a hot spot! 5c.  This is a FlyLady thing.  More below...
Preparing and planning study: 5c.  I downloaded a lecture so I can listen to it in the morning, when I'm most alert.

Total: 55c

And the analysis:
Well, there are a lot more items on the list than I thought there would be.  Even if I had to make some of them up!  And not everything I did today is part of this list ... I guess that's because it's not your normal to-do list, it's a list of the little things that I'm trying to remember to accomplish.

If I listed the things I planned for today that people would normally put on their to-do lists, it would look something like this:
Psychiatrist's appointment
Pilates class
Research for my essay

According to that list, my day was pretty successful.  The only thing I missed was my Pilates class, while on the plus side I also fitted in an emergency visit to the bank.  (I can't believe I let my bank balance get so low...) And I did get a bit distracted during the research ... but it was midnight ... :P

I was also going to reassign the points for different things according to priority, but I haven't decided whether to do that yet.  Things like, more points for having a shower, brushing my teeth, going to Pilates, and less points for stretching in bed, swiping the bathroom vanity, etc.  I'd rate different tasks depending on what habits I was trying to focus on at the time, starting with the "essentials" and then moving on to other habits.  If I rated today according to that "essentials" list, I didn't do that well.  Didn't have enough breakfast, didn't exercise when I had the chance, and it's a bit late for a shower.  Oh well, I'll just try not to dwell on the negatives...

I'm pretty proud of starting on my hot spot, though.  The Hot Spot Fire Drill is an exercise from the FlyLady website.  The idea is to focus on one area for a short period of time, so you at least get something done.  You work as quickly as you can, as if you had to put out a fire on that spot.  And then you go and put away all the things that you took out of the spot.  I managed to clear a workable space on my desk, and not just by stashing things - they actually got put away in their proper places.  Maybe I'll be able to keep it clear this time ... Or at least clean it regularly.

Anyway, it's way past midnight ... Time to sleep before I get distracted again.